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I Know...

The past few weeks, I’ve talked about expectations, resentments, limiting beliefs, and getting unstuck. Today, I just want to take you on a walk around my brain. You might want to wear some protective gear. Who knows where this will lead?

This week, I was working with one of my coaches and a ton of stuff came up. Now, I’ve been working on my “stuff” for a while. Tuning into my thoughts around the work we did and how I’ve come so far and still have so far to go. I wonder when I will be done figuring things out. When will I know that I’ve arrived and am a perfect, intact, whole, human being? When will I be normal and like everyone else?

Sixty-two years and I’m still messed up it seems. Or am I? Perhaps I’ve had enough suffering and the discomfort of dealing with my stuff is easier than trying to hide and ignore the stuff. Maybe, maybe I’m on the journey to Oz, where all my questions will be answered. Or maybe I’m in Never Never Land and will be on this journey forever, since, in the words of the infamous Peter Pan, “I won’t grow up.” Who knows? All I know is I’m still working on becoming a better version of myself.

The word anxiety came up. Not sure why that word stood out tome, but it definitely did. You see, I’ve seen people with anxiety and panic attacks. I’m pretty chill and can deal with whatever curveball or boomerang is sent my way. Or can I?

I am not sure that I have ever really dealt with these emotions, now that I think about it. I have pushed them down and pushed them down and pushed them down in the hopes they would go away. I have put protective pillows around my heart, fences around my thoughts, and restraints on my mouth to keep my voice from being heard. The look that comes to mind is from Handmaid’s Tale, where June/Offred is standing at the Lincoln Memorial.

Let’s talk about my heart for a minute. You may not know this, but for the last 15 years, I have had experiences dealing with my heart reacting to something. I have wound up in the ER four times in relation to these experiences, and each time I’m told that my heart is good, no heart damage or heart attack and they don’t know what’s going on.

I know.

My coach used the word constricted to talk about my heart. That word just wasn’t working, but when I said guarded, I had a physical reaction. Guarded. I definitely guard my heart. And my heart is not just physically connected to all my organs, it connects to my throat, my brain, my internal organs on an emotional level. I used the description of putting pillows around my heart in an earlier paragraph. Let me piece this together for you.

As my coach and I talked about guarded vs. constricted, I got a visual image of holding a pillow in front of my chest, like I was hugging the pillow. The pillow was guarding my heart. And I looked around the room I was sitting in, there were 10 pillows that were for sale as part of my moving process. Interesting, don’t you think. I’m moving in a few weeks and selling as much of my stuff as I can. I mean all of it. Furniture, clothes, appliances, the whole works.

Stuff, getting rid of stuff. My stuff.

I sold one of the pillows the other night. Symbolic, don’t you think. Getting rid of the stuff that is guarding my heart. The stuff that is hanging on to the old emotions. Stuff that allows me to keep ignoring myself. I’m doing that with other stuff in my life as well.

What else is there to get rid of? Thoughts that don’t make me happy. Thoughts that keep me from experiencing the emotions I’ve tried to ignore. Stifling tears of strength that I’ve labeled as weakness for so many years. And silencing words that I’ve wanted to speak.

So, how was the journey around my thoughts today? Was it a bumpy ride? Did anything tip you over? Was there a thought that stopped you in your tracks? I appreciate you for taking this journey with me today and hope that it might help with some thoughts you might be having.

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