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My Behavior Is Out of Control

When I'm doing my work with groups of people, sometimes we talk about types of people. I have found there to be four main types of behavior types.


There is the type of people that I call supporters. Those are the people who like to make sure everybody's feeling good, everybody's got what they need, and they'll take care of themselves last. And then we've got the people called analysts. Well, you've heard of analysis by paralysis, and analysts need to have all the details. They have to have it all figured out before they can make a decision to their own detriment. Analysts sometimes are not able to make a decision because of too much information.

Then we have promoters. Promoters are those people who have many, many ideas, fun ideas: “let's do this”, “let's do that”, “let's plan this”, “let's plan that”. They'll get people together, they are leaders, they pull people together, they have great ideas, they're visionary, and oftentimes they'll plan a party and then they may not even show up because something else comes up. So those are what I call promoters. And then we have a group called controllers. I've looked at a lot of different personality styles and decision-making styles and this one's always called controller.

I haven't found one yet that isn't named controller. Those are the people who like to get in there, who like to get things done. They'll take over; they'll be the leader. They'll make sure that what they want is taken care of. So here's the interesting part though, all of us have some controller in us. We all like to be in control. We want to be in control of our lives, we want to be in control of our children, we want to be in control of what we have in our refrigerator, and we want to be in control because that makes us feel good. I hear did the kicker though.


There's not much we are in control of, not really. A lot of times we say, "I have control of my children; they're good kids, I have control of them." And really what we have are kids who make good decisions. They control themselves, they make the decision. We've just helped to raise them so that they do make good decisions. When I'm working with teachers, we talk about classroom management and having control of the classroom.

Well, as an educator, after a while I finally realized I really didn't have control of my classroom. The children would comply because they chose to and they really had control over what they were going to do. I know teachers, it is not popular, but think about it. Well now with my life, I don't have control over a whole heck of a lot. I used to think I had control of where I went, what I did, how I got there, et cetera. Well, here's what I know today, I have control of what I wear to the extent that I have that in my closet. I have control over what I eat, to the extent I can afford to buy that. I have control over my daily schedule to the point where something comes up and my schedule changes.

We think we have control over what we think. I would say 5% of the time we might have control over that. We might say, "Well, I'm choosing to be happy." So I have control over that or, "I am choosing to take this action." You do have control over that. You may not have necessarily control over the outcome that you wish you had. In reality, the control comes from not our conscious mind, but our unconscious mind. Our unconscious mind controls not only the pieces of ourselves that keep us running such as breathing, blinking, staying hydrated, and making our heartbeat, those things.

Our unconscious mind also has control over what thoughts and programs come up when certain things happen in our lives. For example, if somebody acts like they are upset with me, my perception, the program that I have running. "OH my gosh, they don't like me. What am I going to do? How do I change this?" I also might have a program that has to do with how I look. Now, if I don't look a certain way, then I may not attract a man or a woman, whichever I'm looking for, because in the past I've been told I was chubby. So that pops up for me. So, I don't have control over those thoughts that pop up.

I do have control over noticing those thoughts and then the conscious mind can choose to change the thought that I have and go, "Oh yeah, there's that old program showing up and I know it's not true so let's change it." The moral of this story is we really don't have control over much. And once I settled on that fact, my life became much simpler. I knew I wasn't as powerful as I thought I was. I knew that I didn't have control over what other people thought of me. And life became serene and enjoyable. Now, I bet you're wondering if I just flipped a switch and said, "Okay, I'm going to start noticing those unresolved programs that are running me and I'm going to have my conscious mind flip on and go, ‘Oh, you know that's a story, get rid of it.’" No, that's not what happened.

It took me many years of coaching. And I want to be really clear, it wasn't therapy, it wasn't counseling, it was coaching. I worked with people who knew how to ask me some great questions and allow me to think about them and come up with the answers. I worked with people who believed that I knew the answers and was intuitive enough to be able to figure it out. Whereas with the counselors I'd worked with before, I always came out feeling like I was broken. Like there was something wrong with me. Like my thinking was screwed up. And today I know that's not the case. I know I have my answers. I know I'm in control. And I know I can do what I need to do to make sure that I am having the thoughts that are going to serve me the best.

So what I would encourage you to do is reach out. If you'd like to chat with me about how this happens and how this works, just message me. You can message me on my blog or you could call my phone number. You could text me at (206)309-6580 and I'll text you back. It's me, it's my real text number. I'll text you back and we can connect and see what's up with you. I would love to chat with you and see if you're ready to take yourself on. And if you're not that's okay too.


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