Do you ever feel like you have nothing to say and you have everything to say at the same time? Or that you have millions of conversations with yourself that wouldn't make sense to anyone else?"
I feel like I have been going in circles in my head for the last few weeks. You see, in the work I am doing with my coach, we have been talking a lot about the whirling thoughts that go through my head. All.The.Time.
I don’t remember having these kinds of conversations all my life. I do know that once I started working on personal development, healing, and neurolinguistic programming, I started noticing the banter in my head.
Awareness is the first step in healing.
- Dean Ornish
Let me give you an example of one recent event to try and give you an idea.
I am in a social media group with a little over 100 members, many of whom have NLP training opportunities. Recently, a member of this group asked if anyone knew anyone offering these opportunities, and comments were quickly posted about members offering the training.
Cue the voices, the ones that start running around my mind. It was the voice of my middle school self. I have this visual of my 13-year-old self in my favorite bell-bottom, hip-hugger pants with purple and orange vertical stripes. (Yes, early seventies!)
Middle School Roni (MSR): “Why didn’t anyone say that I give the training? I’ve told them.”
Current Roni” (CR): “Seriously, how much have you really told them? Did you say anything after the first conversation? Did you set a date for the event?”
MSR: “No, but if I was one of the popular members of the group, they would have remembered.”
CR: “That’s funny. You know people adore you. You know that there are people who are ready to take your training. It’s your job to share this with the world.”
MSR: “But people should just know. If they really liked me, they’d remember what I tell them.”
CR: “Again, how many conversations have you had with people and where have you shared the information?”
And so on. The conversation continues. And the next conversation may be between my 5-year-old self and my grown self. Who knows? Are you at all like this? Sometimes feeling a bit schizophrenic?
So why am I just noticing these ping pong match conversations in my head? What do I do with them? Will they stop?
I don’t have the answer to these questions, but what I do know is that these conversations are part of my healing. They are the conversations that were probably running through my head when I was young and when I kept them to myself. Conversations that dug up emotions that I never dealt with and conversations that led to beliefs that don’t serve me today. Emotions that I swallowed and ignored, because if I did that I didn’t have to feel the emotions that were attached to them.
Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.
- Rachel Naomi Remen
Today I stop and listen to the voices. I listen to the little girl and I provide support, safety, and nurturing; Things I didn’t feel I would get if I shared when I was younger. I listen carefully. I feel the emotions and I work through the beliefs I’ve formed. And I know that my journey continues. The healing continues. The awareness of how my thoughts affect me continues.
And I grow.